MY DATE with The Rules

MY DATE

-with The Rules

THE RULES is a classy book for women about what they should do when they date men.

So, I got this dinner date with a woman. We met at a nice restaurant. I could tell right away this was going to be a serious date, because she was following all ‘the rules.’ She was wearing the obligatory high heels, and was acting indifferent and trying to ignore me, just like she is supposed to do.

Finally getting seated, was worth the wait. Miss Sequoia was determined to walk all confident, proud, and independently in front of me, to our table. She probably thinks the ridiculously tall high heels that she wore stretch out her calf muscles and make her legs look thinner. Actually they make her taller and they raise her ass up and make her clench her butt muscles, thus pooching it out behind her, so she can maintain her balance. So, when she walks in front of me, like she does, I can’t even look down and see her legs - for her butt sticking out at me. . . So, I just checked out the panty lines in her tight dress. . . What the hey!

Trying to walk to the table was a real test. If you are a woman, you don’t want to stare down and watch your feet, like you have self image issues, and you don’t want to stare at people who are already seated and eating. (And if you have a big chest you can’t see your feet anyway.) Plus, you are supposed to act indifferent, and ignore your date, while wearing tall stylish high heels to drive him wild. . . So, you look up, and you sort of stumble and bunny-hop your way to the table, trying not to fall on seated patrons like you think this might be some kind of mosh pit. As a man, I’m supposed to show how gentle and attentive I am, by walking slowly behind this parade, and not running up the back of her every time she struggles and suddenly stops.

When the waitress arrived, what a relief for my date! It was my date’s opportunity to show how warm and loving she could be, without intending any of it for me of course, and she was all over it. Big smiles, big gestures, warm words. They all but slavishly fell all over each other. If they were dogs, they would have been licking each other’s faces.

I looked at the menu. I wanted to order us something flaming and on fire, just to see if my date could indifferently ignore it, but they didn’t have anything like that. So I ordered spaghetti for us. Pasta is safe. She should be able to chew it, and it won’t offend her if she’s vegetarian. Plus, it should be really fun to watch her try to eat spaghetti while still acting indifferent and staring out the window all the time. Can’t be done!

But, our conversation went well. I spent most the time interacting with her left ear, as she indifferently stared out the restaurant window. I told her about the time I saved a baby giraffe that escaped from the zoo - because it let me ride it home, and about how I inherited a profitable heroin distribution business from my Dad, and how I once saved the city of Cleveland from flooding. I was just making up all sorts of wild and crazy shit, just to see if she could keep stoic and ignore it all.

Nonetheless, her cool indifference was beginning to have an effect on me. Momma always told me that I would know real love when I see it, because someone who really loved me would (1) want to take care of me, and (2) want me to be happy. - Well, my date, she was clearly none of those things. . . So, I knew, that under her cool indifferent exterior, she must be one of those really bad slutty women that I could do many fun things with! Cha-ching!

Then, as a man, I got to pay for our meal and the privilege of having her spend some time with me, staring out the window. She has to spend her money on tight dresses and high heels, to entertain me, so maybe it balances out somehow. Though, it would have actually all been way way more fun without the dress. . .

After the meal, and the parade to the parking lot, I thanked her for sharing her pheromones, and told her how much I really enjoyed them. She liked mine too, and we agreed to do it all again sometime.