Fortunate Me

So, I like Chinese food, which I don’t have the patience to learn to cook on my own, so I usually buy it. . . When you buy it, it almost always comes with a bonus psychic reading, hid inside a folded rice cookie. Well, I also happen to like eating rice cookies, so I usually find all the free bonus psychic readings that are hid inside the rice cookies. . .

I used to think that all of the fortunes were rigged to be positive, until this spring, when I started always getting fortunes that were not so positive. Things like “You will be fortunate not to hit your head on something today” or “ A wise man removeth his head from the mouth of a lion.” Helpful stuff like that.

So, when I got this one, about two weeks ago, I thought maybe things had changed and were looking up; “Your happiness is before you, not behind you! Cherish it.”

So, my first reaction was “Okay, something positive finally!” but then I thought; “well, DUH! We already know this, don’t we? And do we have to be told to ‘Cherish it?’ I don’t think so, and seriously, how do you ‘cherish it’ when it isn’t even here yet?”

See, this is why those fortune paper psychic readings - are free, is because I would have had to pay a real psychic serious money to listen and respond to all my crappy feedback like this.

(I just love the way this word processor automatically changes ‘psychic’ to ‘psych’ every time I type it, and I have to go back and add the ick.)

So on the bottom of the fortune, is a Cultural Revolution message, from The People’s Republic, that says, “you like our food, now learn to speak our language!” Well, actually it doesn’t, I just infer that, because on the bottom of each fortune paper there is a single Chinese word to learn; “Learn Chinese:” it says, and then gives you a word to learn.

And what word should I learn today? . . . “Closed” . . . gwahn-muhn. . .

Oh joy, I can just see me wandering around China saying that to everybody! . . . “Closed. Closed! Closed! . . . “ Yeah, that might actually work, if I looked like I’d been bleached in the belly of a whale for three days, maybe. . . But if people behave like they normally do, which means they will do the very opposite of whatever I tell them to do, they will “Open, Open! Open!. . .” - heck, I might end up saving all of China, huh?

I suppose that could really work, and it’s more pleasant than contemplating what ‘Closed’ might mean in relation to the message on the fortune paper. . .

So, I thought, I was doing pretty good. Why not buy another Chinese meal, and get another rice cookie, with yet another free bonus fortune paper inside. I was feeling all anxious to see something positive again.

This one says “We can learn from everyone, even our adversaries.”

Adversaries! Who the hell wants adversaries? Not me. I’ll kill them, and you can search their bodies to learn from them, okay? I don’t think I like this fortune. No no no.

And worse, what Chinese word am I to learn today? “Excuse me”. . . cheeng-wuhn.

Cheeng-wuhn my ass! 'Excuse me,' to adversaries! Holy Hathor Batman! What is the world coming to? Say it ain’t so Joe. Can’t we just scrub the bugs off our grill, and go full speed ahead? I like that.

Maybe not.

Oh man, I pushed it too far, and this is going to take a lot of cherishing now,

I can tell you that.