Parsing Today's News - 1/20/14
20 January 2014 - 5:39am
a PTN Broadcast
At the top of the news today, President Clinton’s former political advisor, Little Georgie Stephanopoulos publicly shared his views on how to have a hard body like Russia’s leader - Vladamir Putin.
In other news, the US Pentagon announced it is studying how to rescue Americans from the Olympic Games in Russia, and they have deployed US warships into Russian waters to take up preparations and contemplate how best to deal with potential terrorists.
Meanwhile, the US Government continues trying weakly to explain why they have made an agreement to continue allowing Iran to research nuclear weapons.
But we have good news today for the French President - not only is he enjoying a public affair with his mistress, but it has made him more popular in the polls! Aides for the President are studying possible ways for him to be even more unfaithful, and perhaps have more affairs.
Meanwhile, in England the Queen announced plans to gradually shift power to her son Prince Charles. After which the jubilant future monarch proudly pledged to have England spend every dime that it has fighting global warming. To which the Queen was heard to sternly reply; “The f*ck you are!”
While over in Sweden, it's cold outside! They set a new record for cold today. The village of Karesuando recorded a new low temperature of -41.2 C. Train and bus services were being cancelled as a result. So bundle up and prepare to walk if you’re in Karesuando!
The new mayor of New York City held a press conference to announce that anyone who is pro-life is not welcome in his city of death, and should leave straight away. Of course, it should be mentioned that New York City is currently in the midst of a big jaywalking citation blitz to raise funds. So, better stay on the sidewalks as you exit the city! NY Police made a public example of an 84 year old man by beating him bloody for refusing a jaywalking citation.
Only 10 years after being shot into space, the Rosetta spacecraft has awakened on it’s approach to the planet Jupiter, "Oh wow!" it was thought to have said, sending its first message back to earth. But no details on what the spacecraft actually said have been released. After 10 years, though, the European Space Agency was jubilant just to hear back from it. “We totally had forgot about that!” one bloke said, “We were all reading about the French President, and here came this message out of the blue!” The spacecraft contains a 100kg probe that in August will attempt to land on comet P67, which travels at a speed of 24,600 mph. Of course, that is only after the craft has put itself into a position to hopefully orbit the fast moving comet.
And then there is this; Science discovered today, that the brains of elderly people might be slow, because they know so much. Yes. A report from Tubingen University in Germany and a study published in The Journal of Topics in Cognitive Science, has led Dr. Michael Ramscar to conclude that: “The human brain works slower in old age. But only because we have stored more information over time.”
And, this shocking news just in from St. Louis, where police are asking people to get themselves checked up, because a 32 year old HIV-positive Lindenwood College student secretly filmed sex tapes with 32 people in his college dorm room. Police are watching the tapes and trying to identify the affected parties, but they ask for anyone with any information, to please contact them privately and straight away.
Also the National Academy of Sciences reported today on it’s startling conclusion that the wind blows from West to East mostly, in the Northern Hemisphere. Therefore, air pollution from China may be finding it’s way to America. Nine scholars, based in three nations, came to this conclusion, reported today.
And finally, there are these short but shocking headlines:
Chinese Govt opposes sex change surgeries.
Japan sends boat loads of lonely men out to sea for the annual dolphin hunt.
and finally:
Research says that chocolate fights diabetes.
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